Final Highlights of 2015

We have had a very full year indeed.  I feel so grateful as I look over the pictures from this past year and marvel at how much we have managed to fit into 2015.  Nicole enjoyed being part of a homeschool choir.  She loves singing, art and music.

Brandon had a great time going to prom and especially enjoyed wearing a Tux!  He felt a little like Gatsby.  

We worked literally from sun-up till the last traces of available light painting our house on the hottest weekend of the summer.  All of the kids chipped in tremendously and we could not have finished the huge job without their help!  They helped us save $5000 with their combined labor, so we bought a new big-screen television to thank them for all their work.

Our home went from a faded rust to much more modern colors.

We have loved having family come visit this summer and enjoyed Crater Lake with the Cluffs.  I finally made the hike down to the shore and was impressed with how fit Tyler and Susan are!

That hike was nothing compared to hiking Mt. McLoughlin a steep-sided lava cone that had a breathtaking view.  Nathan and I were in charge of the 4th year hike and were happy to make it up to the top with all the girls...though it was close!

I enjoyed a quick mother/sisters weekend to attend Cami's choir with the Utah Chamber Artists.  Happily, Nicole managed to make it to the lobby before she puked with the stomach flu!  Poor girl had to lie on a bench for the rest of the concert.

Nathan and I enjoyed the annual ICMA trip to Seattle this year.  We made the ride up to the top of the iconic Space Needle and enjoyed four bright, clear days.  We especially liked the sights, sounds and smells of Pike's Market.

We sampled lots of delicious food and managed to have seafood every day of the trip.

We loved have Jeff and Jen Cherpeski and their family over for Thanksgiving Break.  They joined us in some of our traditions and the kids had a great time playing together.

We found a gorgeous tree for our last Christmas with all of our kids at home.

I was especially nostalgic in being able to attend Connor's first Band Concert.  It brought back a flood of memories from all my performances.  I'm glad that he enjoys music!

After having almost no moisture, we finally have been blessed with huge amounts of  beautiful, wet snow.  Danielle and I got to build her first snow family and we made an awesome snow fort.

Danielle was fortunate to be a mouse in the Nutcracker, which was thrilling for her.  We enjoyed the performance, knowing several of the dancers.

This has been a rich year full of  wonderful memories and experiences.  2016 will bring many changes for our family.  I liked a quote that one of my friends shared..."Change is inevitable and happy is the person who embraces it."

Highlights of 2015- Camping Trip to Fish Lake

With all the chaos of completing my school, moving to Oregon, starting work and general busyness, our family didn't go camping for a couple summers.  We were determined to go this summer, though there ended up only being one free weekend.  Brandon had to work the first day, but he drove out the next day to join us.

This was the first trip that Danielle remembered camping, and she probably loved it more than all of the rest of us combined.

Nathan and the kids attempted to fish, but the drought has taken its toll on the water level and they didn't even get a nibble.

Still, our campsite was beautiful, and we got to hike a beautiful trail between Fish Lake and Lake of the woods.

We had a nice view of Mt. McLoughlin that Nathan and I hiked with the 4th year girls this summer.  We also had a nice view of volcanic rock interspersed with forest.

The best part of trip was the last night when we told stories around the campfire.  I didn't realize what an impact Nathan's nightly storytelling has had on our kids until I heard what great storytellers they are.  Even more, they love telling stories together.

Camping was always so much harder with toddlers and babies.  This was MY most relaxing camping trip.  This kids were all a huge help and pretty much self-reliant.

I'm so glad that we carved out time to make these memories.  Next summer I hope we can go more than once, but we will not miss camping for sure!  I'm so grateful for my wonderful family!

Highlights of 2015-Family Reunion

This summer I was in charge of the Frey family reunion.  I planned a trip to the Oregon Coast at Bandon.  We stayed at a Compound 10 miles from the ocean that had plenty of space for everyone to spread out and Queen size beds for all!  That was the best.

My mom said that it was the happiest weekend of her entire year.  This was also the last family reunion for a long while that we will have all the kids there, as Zachary is on his mission to Wisconsin and Brandon will be submitting his mission papers in the next few months. 

Despite the wind, I attempted to get a family phone with everyone.  We found a great rock for everyone to climb on and got some fun shots!

Fun......and Serious......

This was also my first time to the Oregon Coast.  I intend to take advantage of our new location and check out all the spots along to coast to find my favorite place. 

Even though it was a little cold the first day there, Danielle couldn't resist getting into the water.  The next day I didn't bring my camera, and the weather was sunny and perfect.  The kids pulled out their swimsuits and played in earnest in the water.

Even the older kids enjoyed the waves. 

I love the ocean and come to almost crave it the longer that I stay away.   I'm so glad that we were able to make such wonderful memories all together!

MY BOOK!!!!

After 5 years of work with my sister Lenaya, I am so excited to announce that our book is finally a reality.  It is available for order on Amazon and is entitled The Pathways home:  A Memoir of Sisters on Both Sides of Addiction.

Our hope is to provide hope and encouragement for people both with addictions and those related to them.  Even if we just help one person, we will consider it a success!  We have also started up a blog to give additional support:  ThePathwaysHome 

I'm relieved to have that project done, and I am curious about where it will lead.  I would love to hear any feedback!

On Responsibility and Rest

 

I'm back into a routine after a crazy summer, and it feels so good to be living regular life.  Our ward boundaries were recently realigned, and we suddenly find ourselves in a new ward and callingless for at least a few weeks.  Nathan and I took a trip to the ICMA conference and then enjoyed General Conference weekend.  I haven't felt so rested since I can't remember when.  I started to think back and realized that my pressures haven't really let up for over 5 years. 

Before Danielle was even born I was serving as the Stake Young Woman president which was very busy and stressful.  Through that calling I had another baby and then started Graduate School.  Then came the move with a 4 month separation waiting for the school year to end.  Right after we moved my dad passed away and through the course of the year I somehow survived my 20 hour a week internship along with classes.  

With two semesters to go, I was called as the Ward Young Woman president, and felt a heavy weight in the responsibility of all the young women.  This is my first rest from pressing responsibility and I didn't realize how heavy the load was until I felt so light.  I have enjoyed simply reading with my girls, working a set schedule of 15 hours a week, playing the organ for fun and traveling with Nathan.  I have a chance to re-prioritize, rest and relax.  

I'm sure we will dive back into busyness in the near future, but oh, how wonderful this rest has been from my responsibilities.  

My Rough Sandpaper

Nathan and I have an ongoing joke that he is the rough sandpaper, and I am the fine sandpaper.  This has come as a result of the numerous house projects we have worked on over the years.  He knocks out the large components of replacing drywall, rewiring the electrical outlets, landscaping our yard, painting the house, and laying tile to name just a few projects.

I follow behind him fixing the finer points of the projects, pointing out holes that still need to be patched, rough edges to knock down, bushes that need to be pruned or finishing touches that are left.  I am the official indoor painter in our home, because of my eye for details, but when I want 5 bushes ripped out of the backyard, I won't even touch them.

Our differences just demonstrate how we complement one another.  We both know our own interests and allow each other the freedom to pursue our passions.  We are supportive of each other in our varying interests.  Not only are we supportive, but we push each other to be better in all that we do.

At the same time, we have always been unified in the important goals and priorities.  We are equally yoked in all our pursuits.  We have always been committed to each other and to our family.  We have laughter in our home and prayer that bookends our days.

Marriage is always a bit of a risk, placing our life in the hands of another person.  I am blessed to have done pretty well.  Considering when we were married, Nathan didn't have a declared major with years of college ahead of him, we have come far.  He has excelled in his career as a city manager, always working to improve himself and the people around him.  He has always served faithfully for his church in every calling that he has been given.

Most of all, he has been a father worthy of emulation.  He has told stories every night for the past 14 years.  All of our children look up to him and see him as a hero.  I am grateful my my rough sandpaper and for how he lifts me and improves me. 

Listening

I have been employed as a child/adolescent outpatient counselor for nearly a year, and I have learned some lessons about listening.  Being able to truly listen to another person is a skill that is developed through practice, and I have noticed when people around me don't have that skill when I feel unheard.  Sometimes, my kids will say with frustration, "You're not listening to me!" and my first reaction is defensiveness.  Upon reflection though, I realize that often they don't feel heard, because I am not using my listening skills, so I pull back and start over.  There are several basic listening skills that can make a huge difference in communication.

 

1.  Rephrase:  I use this skill with every client I meet, and I am constantly surprised how often when I rephrase something they just said, they have two possible reactions.  The first, is that they correct me and restate in a way to clarify for me what they are experiencing.  I work on rephrasing until I get it right or sometimes I nail it on the first try and their reaction is to become postively animated, relieved that someone understands and hears what they are saying.  Sometimes rephrasing is actually parroting back exactly what they said, especially with small children.  Sometimes it is repeating their communication in my own words to make sure I am understanding.  Often it means listening for quite a while before I step back in and summarize what they have told me.  There is power in being a sounding board for someone's thoughts.

2.  Validate:  Most children I work with are constantly invalidated by their parents, usually unintentionally.  I have become more sensitive to times that I forget to validate my own kids and a lot of the times that they don't feel heard are when I don't validate.  Just a simple, "I hear you," "That sounds tough," or, "You are really upset," help others feel understood.  The key to validation is to understand that validation does not equal agreement.  When our kids tell us that we are the worst parents in the world and we are doing every thing wrong we can validate, "I can see that you are really mad at me right now and don't agree with how I handle things."  Their voice is acknowledged yet I am not necessarily going to change anything about how I am dealing with the situation.  Still, the validation can often diffuse a tense situation.  I know I feel better for expressing myself even if nothing about the situation changes.

3.  State the Facts:  We are emotional creatures, and often we get sucked into accusations and mind reading another's intentions.  Once we have heard what the problem is and validated their feelings, we can simply state what the problem is and ask for their ideas in solving the problem.  For example, I often get impatient with my kids when I am doing school with them, and they are not seeming to focus.  I can rant to my kids about how they never pay attention and that they need to buckle down and work harder on their school, or I can calmly state the facts, "I have noticed that you are having a difficult time concentrating on this assignment.  The problem is that we only have 30 more minutes to finish before dinner.  What do you think would help for you to be able to concentrate?"  This approach leaves a better chance of ending well.

4.  Compliment and Express Love:  We all feel more listened to when we feel loved by the other individual.  The single most important factor in counseling another is the therapeutic relationship.  The same is true of our loved ones.  This is my most difficult listening skill to remember with my own kids.  Studies have shown that when you start nagging at children or adults about a behavior you don't like, the behavior actually increases.  If instead you express love and compliment them for the good things they are doing, the behavior you appreciate increases.  Love expressed can make up for a lot of inadequacies in communication. 

I appreciate the times when I feel heard and understood.  I feel closer to people who fully listen to me, and I want to spend more time with them.  I am still on the path to becoming a better listener.  I like the simple principle:  we have two ears and only one mouth so we should try to listen twice as much as we talk.

Little Britches

I have recently been reading a series of books by Ralph Moody, that I have enjoyed so much opening with "Little Britches."  The first book is set in Denver, Colorado in the early 1900's, and I read it out loud to the boys when they were younger when we were new to Colorado.  We really enjoyed this true story of Ralph Moody becoming a rancher with his father, and it felt a little like the Little House on the Prairie books, though more for boys. 

 

This year I read the book again, because Connor didn't really remember it, and the story was a new one for the girls.  We all loved it again and when we looked on the library website, we were surprised to discover that there was a whole series.  I became hooked.  Generally, when I read a book to my kids, I will read the first book and then let them read the rest on their own, and this was no exception.  Only, they had to stand in line behind me while I read the books.  The later books are just as good as the first, but there are some amazing twists and turns in the stories and no two books are alike, other than the fact that they worked hard to survive and were quick to think and be creative in their survival.

I love several things about these books.  One of my favorite things is to be able to envision the world my grandpa grew up in, as he was born in 1901 and truly was a cowboy.  I only saw him in overalls or a suit my entire life.  I like the simplicity of the times they lived in and how there were less choices to be made.  The constant struggle to provide a roof over their heads and food to survive brought them closer to God. 

I love his descriptions of the way he and his siblings contributed to the household and were proud to do so.  They learned to work and the value of money by contributing.  It is hard for people in our era to create work for our children outside of the home.  My oldest son has tried to apply for minimum wage service jobs to no avail.  No longer are paper routes run by youth but by adults.  He is able to do some yard work and dog sitting that was once done by younger children.  Babysitting is more of an option for girls, so it is tough for him to earn his own way or to get a job at 17. 

I know that I tend to idealize the past and prefer the comforts of my generation as well as the many miraculous technical advances that allow us to accomplish so much, but I do wish at times for a simpler era.  I also love his mother and wish I was a little more like her.  It is easy to see that he loved her dearly and looked up to her.  I'm glad to know that just when you think you've read all the great books out there, others turn up!

The Responsible Reading and Writing Woman

 

When I was a little girl I loved to write stories, though they were quite melodramatic and I never got past 6 or 7 pages before I moved on to my next story.  I have also always been a voracious reader.  Books were common topics of conversation in our family.  We always discussed what we were reading at the dinner table and both my parents read to us when we were young.  Just tonight, I had a phone conversation with my mom discussing books we have read this week. 

Writing a book has always been on my bucket list.  Several years ago, while talking with my sister Lenaya, I asked her when she was going to write the book about her life and struggle with an eating disorder as well as numerous addictions.  She admitted that she did want to write a book, but she was struggling with how to present her story.  So many books sensationalize their experience, and she absolutely didn't want to have that effect.  I had an instant illumination that what we needed to do was write a book together back and forth, her perspective and then mine in order to have a balanced story.  We began work on our book and spent several years off and on working on it. 

We are getting very close at this point.  We are starting the editing process and hoping to submit the manuscript by the end of the summer.  Being so close to it, I have alternated between elation and doubt about whether it will ever be published.  I think it is a compelling story, but will others think so?  I doubt my skills as a writer, but I see moments of greatness as I read back through our tale.  Time will tell whether it will be published, but there are several gifts that have come to me as a result of our work.

The process of writing things down has forced me to crystallize floating ideas that weren't true thoughts, and wisdom has grown, not from the experiences themselves, but from the process of writing about those experiences.  I distilled truths of my experience through the writing process I would never have previously been able to articulate. 

I learned so much about my sister and have grown so much closer to her.  We have had countless conversations which brought healing and comfort to our wounded hearts and meaning and purpose to our suffering.

I also believe that her story has made me a better counselor and I occasionally share insights with people who are going through similar experiences.  One client who has been to counselors for years told me that I was the first person who understands what she is facing.  Hopefully, our experience can help other people.

Finally, there are been many tender moments where whisperings of the Spirit have prodded me in a direction of how to start my next section, which quote to use in a specific spot as well as how to rewrite a passage to evoke emotion.  I feel that God has directed me in this process, and I feel so grateful to Him for His hand in it.  Whatever happens from this experience I feel very richly blessed.