I have been employed as a child/adolescent outpatient counselor for nearly a year, and I have learned some lessons about listening. Being able to truly listen to another person is a skill that is developed through practice, and I have noticed when people around me don't have that skill when I feel unheard. Sometimes, my kids will say with frustration, "You're not listening to me!" and my first reaction is defensiveness. Upon reflection though, I realize that often they don't feel heard, because I am not using my listening skills, so I pull back and start over. There are several basic listening skills that can make a huge difference in communication.
1.
Rephrase: I use this skill with every client I meet, and I am constantly surprised how often when I rephrase something they just said, they have two possible reactions. The first, is that they correct me and restate in a way to clarify for me what they are experiencing. I work on rephrasing until I get it right or sometimes I nail it on the first try and their reaction is to become postively animated, relieved that someone understands and hears what they are saying. Sometimes rephrasing is actually parroting back exactly what they said, especially with small children. Sometimes it is repeating their communication in my own words to make sure I am understanding. Often it means listening for quite a while before I step back in and summarize what they have told me. There is power in being a sounding board for someone's thoughts.
2.
Validate: Most children I work with are constantly invalidated by their parents, usually unintentionally. I have become more sensitive to times that I forget to validate my own kids and a lot of the times that they don't feel heard are when I don't validate. Just a simple, "I hear you," "That sounds tough," or, "You are really upset," help others feel understood. The key to validation is to understand that validation does not equal agreement. When our kids tell us that we are the worst parents in the world and we are doing every thing wrong we can validate, "I can see that you are really mad at me right now and don't agree with how I handle things." Their voice is acknowledged yet I am not necessarily going to change anything about how I am dealing with the situation. Still, the validation can often diffuse a tense situation. I know I feel better for expressing myself even if nothing about the situation changes.
3.
State the Facts: We are emotional creatures, and often we get sucked into accusations and mind reading another's intentions. Once we have heard what the problem is and validated their feelings, we can simply state what the problem is and ask for their ideas in solving the problem. For example, I often get impatient with my kids when I am doing school with them, and they are not seeming to focus. I can rant to my kids about how they never pay attention and that they need to buckle down and work harder on their school, or I can calmly state the facts, "I have noticed that you are having a difficult time concentrating on this assignment. The problem is that we only have 30 more minutes to finish before dinner. What do you think would help for you to be able to concentrate?" This approach leaves a better chance of ending well.
4.
Compliment and Express Love: We all feel more listened to when we feel loved by the other individual. The single most important factor in counseling another is the therapeutic relationship. The same is true of our loved ones. This is my most difficult listening skill to remember with my own kids. Studies have shown that when you start nagging at children or adults about a behavior you don't like, the behavior actually increases. If instead you express love and compliment them for the good things they are doing, the behavior you appreciate increases. Love expressed can make up for a lot of inadequacies in communication.
I appreciate the times when I feel heard and understood. I feel closer to people who fully listen to me, and I want to spend more time with them. I am still on the path to becoming a better listener. I like the simple principle: we have two ears and only one mouth so we should try to listen twice as much as we talk.
