I had my first child when I was 24. I had a decent case of baby blues. I felt a loss of freedom, a fear of ability as a mother, and then terrible guilt for feeling this way. Of course I also felt a tremendous love and care for my son, and eventually got through those postpartum feelings. My next three children were born over time and I was so busy with all my other children that I never had time to have baby blues.
Pregnancy and childbirth are an amazing experience. They are full of many ups and downs....and pain. But the most wonderful part of it for me, is when I see my baby for the very first time. It is miraculous.
I had baby blues again with this fifth birth. But this time it revolved around endings. I had a severe case of the nevermores. I will never get to hold my newborn child and kiss her sweet cheeks again. I will never feel my baby kick in my stomach again. I will never look at those exquisite little feet and marvel at the life I am holding.
I suppose all I can do is savor every moment I have now, so that I remember this time.
And also remember that there are still really great memories left to come.
I had my first child when I was 24. I had a decent case of baby blues. I felt a loss of freedom, a fear of ability as a mother, and then terrible guilt for feeling this way. Of course I also felt a tremendous love and care for my son, and eventually got through those postpartum feelings. My next three children were born over time and I was so busy with all my other children that I never had time to have baby blues.
Pregnancy and childbirth are an amazing experience. They are full of many ups and downs....and pain. But the most wonderful part of it for me, is when I see my baby for the very first time. It is miraculous.
I had baby blues again with this fifth birth. But this time it revolved around endings. I had a severe case of the nevermores. I will never get to hold my newborn child and kiss her sweet cheeks again. I will never feel my baby kick in my stomach again. I will never look at those exquisite little feet and marvel at the life I am holding.
I suppose all I can do is savor every moment I have now, so that I remember this time.
And also remember that there are still really great memories left to come.
Congratulations Larissa! I'm so excited for you. She gorgeous! I can't wait to see her. I'm sorry you're having baby blues. I'm having a hard time right now too. I'm pretty sure I recieved an answer to pray last night that I was not expecting....or that I've been trying to avoid for a long time. Something I never thought the Lord would tell me. It's not what I want and to top it off it hurts my pride...sigh.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon and know that you can call on me for anything.
with Love,
Tomena
Those nevermores are hard to deal with. You just had to let yourself be sad and work through all the stages of grief as you get ready to let go of that phase of your life. Plus, I think it's an emptiness that you never fully get rid of, just as with most losses, but it gets not-as-hard as time goes on and as you have time to adjust to the new mindset.
ReplyDeleteBut, I can also honestly say that I have never had the desire to hold a baby until now that I know that we won't be having any more. I have only become baby-hungry in the last few months. We've known we weren't going to have any more babies since a few months after Mason was born, but when Jeff got a vasectomy in October, it just really sunk in. It's kind of been a 2-stage grief process.
...and yet, I still have a worry in the back of my mind of getting pregnant!
Ah, life's dichotomies -- especially where hormones are involved!
Danielle is adorable! I wish I could see her, smell her baby smell, and rub my cheek on her soft head! Unfortunately, I think that we will be gone when you come here to visit. My sis and BIL will be visiting my mom from Switzerland, and so we are going over to see all of them. We will be gone April 16-19 or 20. Is that the same time that you'll be here?
I'll actually be in Carson on the 14th and the 15th, so I'll be able to see you guys before you go!
ReplyDeleteWait? You're done? I thought you wanted one more?
ReplyDeleteI would love to have one more if I didn't have to go through pregnancy again!
ReplyDeleteYeah!!! I can't wait to meet Danielle and to see you!
ReplyDeletethat is so awesome that you took video of her right after birth...wish i would have done that too. something so beautiful to look back on! if you want another one just adopt... hehe
ReplyDelete