I've been reading in my lifespan texbook about some of Piaget's theories of development. One idea in layman's terms is basically that we form a belief about something in our lives based on our experience. Rather than reform the belief when we are presented with new information, we tend to bend that new information to match our current belief. It is only when we are hit hard enough with a new belief that we we step back and adjust our beliefs to a new idea.
The theory is called Piaget's Constructivist Theory. As an example, I had a belief that my dad would live to his 90's. This belief was created by years of watching him go play racketball with his friends, jog in the mornings, eat lots of vegetables, live a worthy, productive life and by the stories he told of great-aunts and uncles who lived well into their 90's. Through the years, any fears I had of my dad dying were adapted as I assimilated new information. All facts pointed to him living a long and healthy life.
He was soon approaching retirement, and I expected that he would take a year to do some family history and woodwork a little bit, before heading off on a mission with my mom, just as he had always talked about doing.
In Nicole's adapted world, she expected that they would attend the Reno Rodeo on Friday night in the box seats, he acquired annually. This was a treat that would be as much fun as the past four days had been buying surprises at the Dollar Tree, going to Paper Doll camp with Eva, and walking the golf course with Grandpa and Garrett before coming home to a berry pie made by Grandma.
In my mom's adapted and assimilated world, she expected that after coming off such a wonderful Alaskan cruise, she would celebrate her 60th birthday with her partner of 40 years and would probably enjoy a barbeque meal made by my dad that included many grilled vegetables and a Costco purchased cake.
"Children learn by a process of adaptation. First, they interpret new stimulation in ways that fit with what they already know, sometimes distorting it as a result. This aspect of adaptation is called assimilation. As the new information is assimilated, the child's existing knowledge may be modified somewhat, providing a better match or fit to what is new. The latter process is called accommodation."-Lifespan p. 78
Sometime between June 25, 2013 and July 5, 2013 my family came to a point of accommodation. Past beliefs had to be replaced with new ones. Past expectations were substitued by new plans. Some of my siblings and our kids made our way to the Reno rodeo, though our hearts weren't all the way in it. We wanted to have our kids make some new memories and knew that my dad would want us to be there.
My mom sat in numb shock as we celebrated a "brutiful" 60th birthday surrounded by people who had flown in or driven out. Life has a way of rearranging "real fun," which is our expectation to "funeral" which is our accommodation.
Most of the time my life goes on with the distractions of children, callings, school and mundane chores, but every once in a while a glance at his picture, or a fleeting thought bring me back to the implications of this new great accommodation, and I find myself sorting through what this means in the long run. Even today, while I was substituting for the primary chorister, Nicole broke into tears after a verse of Families Can Be Together Forever. During a quiet conversation on the chair, Connor wept at all the things that he misses. And I find myself in grief in front of my computer screen.
We smile and move on through our pain, and our pain is a steady tutor. The waves of grief ebb and flow, and I plead with the Lord to please be with my mom and help her get through this time. I strain to feel close to my dad and at times feel his spirit near.
There is comfort in knowing of all the people who reach out to serve our family through small acts or through their own prayers. It has already gotten easier for me, and I have found great peace in the temple.
Fortunately, my core beliefs remain unscathed and are, if anything, now stronger.
